My Notebook
A place to write little blogposts. :>
October 16, 2024. 8:50 PM
Well, my hair is falling out. Probably going to have to start wearing wigs or something. I'm no woman, I'm a fuckin drag queen at this point. Fuck everything.
October 6, 2024. 12:54 PM
My feelings from the last blog post have only amplified by a factor of ten. I hate sex, I hate sex appeal, I hate having a libido, I hate everything to do with sex and attraction and romance and love. Every time I see anyone attractive, especially another woman, ESPECIALLY another trans woman, I seethe with rage that I can honestly barely contain. It's partially why I seclude myself as much as I do. No one wants to be around an ugly twink who gets visibly enraged whenever someone pretty does so much as exist near her. I get so angry sometimes that I honestly feel like I WILL start swinging at people (and promptly get my ass HANDED to me. Trust me, I'm not saying this stuff to seem tough or powerful. I am scrawny as Fuck and even weaker than I look. 99.999% of the population could EASILY beat me in a fight and I am very aware of this, so I don't attempt to attack anyone, it would just be suicide to try.) Ever since I started transitioning my life is just completely encompassed by hatred for all things, but especially anything sex-related. I've gone from sex-positive to sex-repulsed to sex-enraged. I really fucking hate everything tbh.
September 6, 2024. 1:45 PM
Having a day where I just really hate the internet. I hate other people on the internet. All I ever see is war, death, stupidity, porn-addicted assholes oggling over anything with a noticeable chest and/or hips, and much more. It just pisses me off to such a degree. I feel completely disconnected from the larger population both on the internet and out in the real world. I get no respite from the solitude I feel inside and it bothers the hell out of me sometimes. It most likely comes from very many places in my brain. Most notably my borderline-nonexistant self-worth and also my complete and utter lack of being able to accept and love myself as a trans woman. All I ever see in the mirror is an unattractive twink at best, and an ugly pathetic excuse of a man at worst. I just gotta suck it up and deal with it. I know I'm a woman on the inside, but that's about the only place I am. Every other part of me is so wretchedly mannish that some days I just crumble under the weight of it all. I will never ever be the woman I was meant to be, because I was born wrong. I have to accept that fact, move on, and cope with the fact that I will remain clocky and disgusting for the rest of my days (and it'll only get worse from here, thanks aging!)
August 26, 2024. 8:33 PM
I've been trying to kick weed over the past few weeks. The first week was ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE. I had the shakes, cold sweats, HORRIBLE anxiety that was forcing me to stay awake, and terrible gut issues. I am now currently 13 days sober from it and much of that has subsided, though some symptoms still linger, just in a lesser form. The anxiety has been persistent and angering (oh yeah, irritability is also there) and at one point made it so over 2 days I got maybe 1 hour of sleep, and I was on the verge of another night of the same, so I went to the ER. Dumb move, yeah, and they kinda (nicely) told me so, but they still prescribed me a medication to help take the anxiety off and help me sleep. It worked for about two nights, then didn't at all. My psychiatrist at that point prescribed me a lesser dosage of the same med the ER gave me purely for the anxiety part, and a sleep med to try for a week and get back to her. The lesser dose med does help my anxiety when I catch it early, and I believe this sleep med is helping as well for now.